Do Narcissists Have Triggers?

Absolutely. Based on my experience, here are some specific triggers:

(Perceived) lack of attention
1. If the partner does not show the narcissist the level of intense focus, time and attention he wants, he gets angry, and punitive, suspicious, accuses the partner of being selfish, having an affair, or lying about her feelings for him
Independence
1. If the partner exhibits a level of confidence and independence, expresses opinions that differ from the narcissist, and is not at his beck-and-call, particularly in the presence of others, the narcissist becomes angry and will devalue the partner, make her jealous by eyeing or flirting with other women, or disappearing
Expectations
1. If the partner shows any expectation of sympathy, of being a priority, of the narcissist honoring his commitments, fidelity, consistency, compassion, devotion, thoughtfulness – the narcissist views it as an attempt to control him, treats her with contempt and pushes her away
Being emotional
1. If the partner reacts emotionally to anything – positive or negative – the narcissist responds with: “you’re too sensitive”, “you react to things too emotionally”, “why are you so emotional about this?” “I don’t do drama – if you keep being so dramatic, I can’t handle this relationship” “you are too needy” and such
Excelling at something, being praised by others for accomplishments
1. The narcissist gets angry because it takes the focus off of him, and he feels threatened by the partner’s competence; he will devalue his partner, treat her with contempt, and make her jealous in order to restore the controlling dynamic
Living and breathing
1. Basically, everything is a trigger for the narcissist, unless he feels he is in absolute control, anything the partner does will trigger his rage, envy, contempt, and escalate his abuse in order to beat the partner into submission

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is dreadful and traumatic.

It is exhausting, explosive, abnormal, disorienting, crazy-making, incredibly abusive, physically, emotionally and spiritually damaging, wholly destructive and toxic.

For the partner, nothing good comes of a relationship with a narcissist, except for when she leaves, permanently, and forges her own path ahead.

Cognitive Dissonance: A Mental Tug Of War

(Read time: 1-2 mins.)

Cognitive dissonance, the state of holding two, or more contradictory thoughts or beliefs simultaneously, is the mental twisting, twirling, tug-of-war that survivors of narcissistic abuse experience during, and after, the relationship with the narcissist. It is very distressing, and can be unrelenting in its torment. Many partners, and ex-partners, say they feel like they are going crazy from the “push-me/pull-you” dynamic running amok in their minds. The good news is, it can be overcome. In order to overcome it successfully it’s important to understand how it develops, and what keeps it going, so it can be stopped.

What Is Narcissistic Abuse, And Why Is It So Damaging?

(Read time: 2-3 mins)

Not all abusers are narcissists, but all narcissists are abusers. Narcissistic abuse is intentional, malignant cruelty by design, that inflicts serious emotional and psychological harm to the partner. The narcissist operates with purposeful malice designed to devalue, dismantle, and completely subjugate his partner.

Word Salad: Always On The Narcissist’s Menu

(Read time: 1-2 mins.)

Word salad is a psychiatric term used to describe words expressed in a random, incoherent order, resulting from a neurological disorder. The words may be grammatically correct, but semantically confused, making it impossible to extract any meaning from them.

The term is also used in the narcissistic abuse community to describe a common gaslighting tactic the narcissist uses to frustrate, confuse, and subjugate his partner, such as in the examples below. The narcissist will employ these tactics when he feels he is losing control of his partner, or sometimes out of sheer boredom. Read More

Gaslighting Scrambles Your Brain

(Reading time: 1-2 mins)

Gaslighting is the term for an insidious type of psychological abuse that a narcissist uses to gain more control of the partner. This is done through manipulating the partner’s perceptions of reality, and deliberately confusing the partner’s memories of conversations and events. This causes the partner to doubt herself, and her feelings, memories, and experiences. Gaslighting victims often describe feeling like their brains are scrambled eggs. Read More

The Narcissist: Destroys Boundaries And Dismantles Identity

(Read time: 1-2 mins)

One of the most detrimental, and toxic impacts of being involved with a narcissist is the destruction of the partner’s personal boundaries which leads to the dismantling and crumbling of the victim’s identity/personhood. This is a pernicious, and calculated process that occurs gradually over time. Read More

Breaking The Trauma Bond With The Narcissist: Yes, You Can!

(Read time: 2 mins.)

It’s not easy. Breaking a trauma bond is a very difficult process; but it can be done with consistent effort. In my own experience, and coaching, I have found that following these 7 steps can help you succeed:

1. Commit to staying in reality at all costs: You were in an abusive, toxic relationship. Don’t allow yourself to fixate on the “if only’s” and “what could have been” – if’s, and could haves, are not reality. Reality if you were in an abusive, toxic relationship that was harming you. Read More

It’s Not Love, It’s A Trauma Bond

(Read time: 1- 2 mins)

In order to completely let go of the narcissist, move on and fully heal, it is very important to understand that any residual feelings of longing, and feeling deeply connected to your narcissist ex; these are not feelings of love. These are most likely indicators of a trauma bond – a very strong psychological and biochemical bond that has been wired into your brain through the love-bombing and devaluation cycle of abuse you’ve endured.

With determination and consistent effort, a trauma bond can be broken. In order to do this however, you have to realize you are trauma bonded in the first place. Read More

The Trauma Bond with a Narcissist: A Dark and Dangerous Pas de Deux

(Read time: 1-2 mins)

If you are, or have been in a relationship with a narcissist, it is highly likely that you are trapped in a trauma bond, or are trying to break the trauma bond, and know how excruciatingly difficult this is.

Many people have never heard of a trauma bond, even those who are trapped in one. The term was coined by Patrick Carnes, PhD, to describe “the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person.”

Traumatic bonding occurs as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse. The narcissist uses intermittent reinforcement, rewards, and punishment to create a very powerful biochemical bond that is highly resistant to change over time.
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